How-To: Stand Up for Trans Folks in Your Life
Yesterday was Trans Day of Remembrance and the end of Trans Awareness Week. This time of intentionality is important for all of us—trans, gender-expansive, and cisgender alike. For those in our community who seek to be allies, this intentionality must extend to every part of life. We must not relegate this attention to the experiences of trans and gender-expansive people to single periods of observance on a calendar. Allyship is an ongoing process!
Today, we want to elevate another helpful excerpt from our Relational Guide for Allies featuring Amy Hayes. She shares specific steps and tools for cisgender readers who are committed to loving their trans siblings well.
Importantly, we must preface this content with a warning: The following includes discussions of transphobia, transphobic slurs, violence against trans people, and suicide/self-harm. Exercising care for yourself might mean not reading this content. We affirm you in that!
We’re grateful for Amy’s willingness to celebrate the belovedness of every trans person and engage with fellow aspiring allies. Keep reading below the break!
When I first began immersing myself in the gay Christian community in Atlanta, I was shocked to hear many cisgender queer people express ignorance, discomfort, and even prejudice against transgender people. Unfortunately, every transgender person I know has confirmed what I witnessed: even within the LGBTQ+ community, transgender people are more vulnerable to suffering because of misinformation and discrimination. Pro tip: Nobody is automatically (or permanently) an ally of an oppressed group, so don’t be surprised when you find yourself noticing the transphobia of cisgender lesbians and gay men as well as that of straight cisgender people—confront it regardless.
And then there’s the violence inflicted by the broader culture:
According to the American Medical Association, there is an “epidemic of violence” against transgender people, especially Black transgender women.
Rampant discrimination in the workplace has led to transgender people experiencing unemployment at 3 times the national average and at 4 times the national average for transgender people of color. (Statistics supplied by Nick Adams, GLAAD Director of Trans Media and Representation, in the documentary Disclosure.)
Due to our culture’s high tolerance for transphobia, a truly alarming rate of suicidal ideation(1) exists among transgender youth. According to a study from the American Academy of Pediatrics: “More than half of transgender male teens who participated in the survey reported attempting suicide in their lifetime, while 29.9 percent of transgender female teens said they attempted suicide. Among nonbinary youth, 41.8 percent of respondents stated that they had attempted suicide at some point in their lives.”
So, what can our allyship look like for our trans loved ones?
Use correct pronouns.
This includes gently but firmly correcting others when they misgender a trans person. Pro tip: When referring to a transgender person’s life experience before they came out as transgender, still use the pronouns they currently use. For example, I use he/him—not she/ her pronouns—when talking about my trans male friend’s childhood even though at the time he presented as female.
Use correct names.
If a trans person has changed their name as part of their social transition, use that name. Failure to do so can be literally fatal. Suicidal ideation and behavior tends to be very high in the transgender youth population, but these risks drastically decrease when the child’s chosen name is used in their family and social contexts.
Educate yourself.
By now you should recognize a common theme of this guide: research is a love language. First, recognize and disrupt problematic misconceptions. For example:
Don’t entertain questions about passing. Last year, a white, cis-gay male friend asked me if one of my trans friends passed as a woman. I’m embarrassed to say my response was less eloquent allyship and more dumbstruck bumbling. Now I know what to say: “I understand your curiosity, but that question is both problematic and incredibly dangerous. Trans women don’t need to ‘pass’ as women. They are women. And no woman has to look or act a certain way to be treated as such.” Addressing this common trope is vital because far too many trans people (particularly trans women of color) have suffered murderous violence at the hands of enraged men who feel they’ve been “duped.”
Intercept outdated terms. Even the best among us can innocently employ problematic or even pejorative terms, bless our hearts. But since allyship focuses on impact rather than intention, correct ourselves we must. This abbreviated chart from GLAAD provides some guidance:
| Problematic | Preferred |
|---|---|
| Transgenders, a transgender (it should never be used as a noun) | Transgender person, transgender comunity (use it as an adjective) |
| Transgendered | Transgender (no need for this adjective to have the -ed suffix) |
| Transgenderism (dehumanizes transgender people and falsely reduces them to a condition) | Being transgender (emphasizes the experience without dehumanizing the people) |
| Sex change, pre-operative, post-operative (surgery isn't a required component of being transgender) | Transition (more inclusive, less focused on medical history which should be private) |
Intercepting outdated/problematic terms sounds like: “Hey, so I recently learned that referring to transgender people as pre- or post-operative is actually offensive. Just thought I would pass that tidbit along!” Finally, do not hesitate to call out defamatory terms like tranny, transvestite, she- male, it, or “shim”. How such cruel, shameful language must grieve the heart of God!
Second, expose yourself to transgender media, and prioritize works created by transgender people. Here are some suggestions to get started:
For adults:
Disclosure (Netflix)
Q Christian Fellowship’s Affirmation Guide for Trans and Gender Expansive Identities
Pose (Netflix)
Transforming by Austen Hartke
Passing (Amazon Prime)
Growing Up Trans (PBS Frontline)
For kids:
Introducing Teddy by Jess Walton (Pre-K—K)
Red: A Crayon’s Story by Michael Hall (Pre-K—1)
Julian is a Mermaid by Jessica Love (Pre-K—2)
It Feels Good to Be Yourself by Theresa Thorn (Pre-k—3)
Don’t laugh at transphobic jokes.
And confront those who make them. Humor communicates our values, whether we consciously intend it to or not, so “it’s just a joke” isn’t a valid defense. Pro tip: Don’t tolerate any zingers that position any trans or cis person’s gender or genitalia as the punchline.
Offer support.
For trans people interacting with the healthcare system, either for routine check- ups or major confirmation surgeries, the grueling cycle of ignorance, refusal, and never-ending reschedules can induce despair. While it’s unlikely that you can directly advocate with medical professionals on behalf of your trans loved one (unless you are their legal guardian or spouse), you can offer vital emotional and physical support.
Create space for your trans loved one to vent their pain and frustrations to you without judgment. If they are comfortable sharing important appointments with you, note these in your calendar and set reminders to check in with them afterwards. Practice reflective listening, whether face- to-face, over the phone, or by text. Pro tip: Unless you have interacted with the healthcare system as a trans person, refrain from sharing your own stories to demonstrate you know how they feel. These good faith attempts at empathy frequently backfire. Instead, simply believe their lived experience without needing to personally relate to it.
If or when your trans loved one undergoes any confirmation surgeries (not all trans people transition medically), brainstorm practical ways to meet their needs. For example, offer to create and manage a meal train.
Consider starting or supporting funds for trans people’s medical care. At the time of this writing, equitable access to healthcare for trans people faces disturbing threats from multiple angles. On top of that, thanks to the intersection of multiple oppressed identities, transgender people are less likely to have health insurance and more likely to experience poverty.
Finally, keep an eye on your own emotional reservoirs. Caregiving of any kind taxes the giver, and sometimes our empathy for our trans loved ones’ suffering can overwhelm our ability to cope—don’t beat yourself up for being human. Pro tip: Seek support from other cisgender allies when you feel tired and need comfort. No doubt your trans loved ones are wonderful friends, but it’s not their responsibility to lighten this particular load.
Normalize gender talk.
Part of the privilege of being cisgender is trusting people will correctly assume your gender based on your name and gender expression. Gender expression includes clothing, cosmetic usage, and mannerisms. Transgender people do not enjoy this privilege. Imagine being the only person at a family reunion or career conference with your pronouns on your nametag. Sure, that information helps others, but being singled out can feel awkward or possibly humiliating. That’s where cisgender folks can alleviate the tension by announcing their own pronouns. Try noting your pronouns on email signatures, event name tags, or as part of group introductions. By normalizing this practice in our everyday lives, we can minimize the alienation transgender people may experience.
Next Steps
If you’re a trans or gender-expansive person of faith seeking additional resources, check out our free Affirmation Guide for Trans & Gender-Expansive Identities featuring Taj Smith.
For more on allyship and how you can support your LGBTQ+ siblings, download our free Relational Guide for Allies featuring Amy Hayes.
Footnotes:
Defined as “passive thoughts about wanting to be dead or active thoughts about killing oneself, not accompanied by preparatory behavior.”
