3 Ways to Support Your LGBTQ+ Child After They Come Out
Our desire is to see every LGBTQ+ Christian and ally experience radical belonging. We work to help parents love their LGBTQ+ children by unequivocally affirming and celebrating their LGBTQ+ identity, facilitating that process with resources, Community Groups, Parent Summits, and the formative relationships these opportunities provide.
We believe this work saves LGBTQ+ lives.
“I beg you to love your child at all costs. Love them with your words and actions... Always, always, always err on the side of love.”
In those pivotal days after an LGBTQ+ person comes out, Christian parents are—as Bukola Landis-Aina writes in our Relational Guide for Parents of Newly Out LGBTQ+ People—“thrust into a situation where they need to quickly and often unexpectedly develop a new language and practice of expressing unconditional love for their child.”
This may be your first time ever confronting the assertion that one can be gay, trans, bisexual, nonbinary, or lesbian and Christian. In the weeks and months after an LGBTQ+ person comes out, what a parent says and the actions they take are gravely important.
Keep reading for 3 practical ways to support your LGBTQ+ child.
1. Listen.
Every time an LGBTQ+ person discloses their identity to a loved one is profound. For many, this is a secret they’ve held closely much of their lives, often layered in shame and grief. This is not the time to be debating the validity of your child’s identity. This moment is about them, and what they need from you is nothing short of unconditional, affirming love.
Greg Walker, the parent of a gay son and a contributor to our Relational Guide for Parents of Newly Out LGBTQ+ People, puts this well:
Remember that, for many years, your child’s been living a life you know nothing about. Lean in and really listen as they tell you their story. Listen, not to answer, defend, or correct. Listen to understand. Being a learner also means opening yourself up to new ideas.
Your mind may be racing, wondering what you did wrong, thinking about all possible difficult and scary situations your child may face in the future, feeling anxious about what to tell your church family, and even feeling overwhelmed with sadness that your dreams for your child are going to be very different. All of these feelings are normal, and part of the process, but sharing them with your child will likely harm them and their sense of connection to you. Find another parent to talk with, see a therapist or join one of our parent groups for support.
As you experience waves of intense thoughts and feelings, take great care not to burden your child with them. These are difficult, tender experiences that will be with them for the rest of their life. As your child shares their story, how they arrived at this realization about themselves, or any part of their process, listen. Listen with great love and curiosity, opening your heart and mind to this new facet of their life.
2. Do the work.
For many non-affirming Christian parents, there is an impulse to remind their child what they believe “the Bible ‘clearly’ says” about human sexuality and gender identity. While this may be done with the intention of being helpful, the impact on their child is far from loving.
Your child trusting you enough to come out to you is an enormous gift and a great opportunity to get to know yourself, your child, and God so much better! This journey, ideally, will lead you to learn more about God's love for each of us, and how to reflect that love to your children, in ways that go far beyond the news you just heard.
In all likelihood, your child has already done the “work” of researching these questions in painstaking detail. LGBTQ+ Christians often joke about having honorary theology degrees due to how much time, energy, and scholarship they’ve expended in navigating their identity.
At this point, there is work for you to do. Greg goes on to say:
Read (or listen) to thinkers and authors who hold differing viewpoints from your own. If you’re non-affirming, seek out well-researched, intelligent books and teachings from affirming Christians.
This is your chance to seriously engage with theological and hermeneutical questions you might never have explored before. Ask your child where they recommend you start. Heed their guidance!
And most of all, you must be willing to say you were wrong. You aren’t preparing for a persuasive essay or debate club—this is your child’s very life. This is not likely to be an easy process; fundamental questions of faith, the Bible, and your deepest beliefs about yourself and the world are likely to be challenged on this journey. This is normal, and it is good.
If you need recommended resources to start with, check out LGBTQ+ Theology 101, written by Pastor Danny Cortez, father of an LGBTQ+ child and member of our parent team.
3. Love and celebrate them.
Our hope is that every LGBTQ+ person can come out and thrive, wholly loved by their family, church, and community. It is the experience of so many LGBTQ+ people that to be loved is to be fully celebrated and affirmed. While inclusion is always better than outright rejection, it cannot take the place of the explicit affirmation that God blesses LGBTQ+ relationships and identities.
It took tremendous courage for your child to come out to you. This is your opportunity to put actions to your words, to celebrate their disclosure and honor their courage. Don’t push them away, silence them, or attempt to force them into your set of beliefs. Your child has not wronged you by coming out. You are not at the center of their journey: They are.
Celebrate them. Acknowledge their whole self—not just the person you thought you knew. Cheer them on, and watch them inhabit their Creator’s beautiful intention. You may have burning questions, and that’s okay: We all do. This is your opportunity to choose your child’s health and happiness, to know them as “fearfully and wonderfully made.”
Ministry to and for parents is critical to our calling as an organization. A team of amazing parent volunteers facilitates free weekly drop-in gatherings for parents in the midst of these questions and conversations. If you or someone you know might benefit from these resources and community, send them to our parents page. We’re so excited to meet you!
