Week 1 | The Great Communion | Pre-Conference Devotionals

Self-Acceptance: What do I have to offer?

In the Christian Church, we have a major problem with desire. We shame it, shun it, tamp it down, and smite it out. We are convinced, at very young ages, that what we crave—those chocolate chip cookies, affection from one gender or another, or to express ourselves in a particular fashion—makes us irresponsible, greedy, or reveals a defective part of self. 

For those of us who are well trained by anti-desire rhetoric, our very own satisfaction feels like selfishness. We are and have been told with all of life’s subtleties that what we crave is wrong. Desire as the culprit is interwoven into the Christian message, unfortunately. In fact, I’ve heard this message on repeat in Christian churches at large, even on topics unrelated to sexuality or gender.

Although our desires are given to us by God, implanted into our psyches, personalities, proclivities and preferences, many preach against their very existence. 

As a result, our desires and gifts play the role of old clothes. They sit in plastic bags at the back of the closets of which we did not dare come out! 

Even though many of us have successfully come out of the closet, perhaps our desires and gifts still sit in those plastic bags, preserved in a lightless environment?

After coming out to my parents, I felt liberated. Those who share their coming out stories in protected spaces on social media, such as my fellow Pride Rock Facebook Group members, know exactly what I’m talking about. There is a ton of relief and a sense of life’s beginning. Yes, I was living confidently on the surface, outwardly living in accordance with who I knew myself to be: a bisexual, gender nonconforming person. But I still filtered my desires and coated my personality.

I was out as a man who loved men, but I was neither out as a sensitive creative who expressed femininity nor a gender non-conforming person who wanted to use he/they pronouns. People knew who I was attracted to because I told them, but they never saw me express giddy love when I found a great guy or hold his hand with excited affection. They heard of my internal experience of having same-gender attractions, but never got to see me come alive because of it. I hid my gifts and desires, always pretending to be armed with a masculine machismo that was never really genuine. I had bought into the teaching that my desires and my gifts were better off left inside that oppressive closet. 

What a lie I had embraced!

The road toward total self-acceptance was (and still is) an arduous one. It forced me to reconcile who God made me to be with the person I was taught to be, including by Christian churches. The journey towards authenticity forced me to admit that I trusted myself to keep God pleased more than I trusted God’s delight in me. But when I realized that I had to practice trusting God with my very essence (which even sounds funny now), I began conversing with God about my design- the desires and gifts I was given and how God was pleased to see their untainted expression. 

If you wish to embark on a downward journey to deeply profound experiences of self-acceptance, I’d encourage you to adopt 3 contemplative practices:

Reprioritize Your Desires

Take an inventory of the desires (not behaviors) that feel unwelcome, dirty, or offensive. Let me be clear here, let’s not speak of desire and behaviors as though they are the same thing: the desire for sex or the desire to eat lasagna. To differentiate behaviors, from desires we must distinguish the desires for connection, intimacy, pleasure, and autonomy from the behaviors known as sex and eating. One drives us to the other; desires drive us to behaviors. 

In your quest to identify desires, make sure you identify the underlying motives that identified a behavior that could meet your desire’s calling. Underneath every behavior is a healthy desire. Learning how to spot your desire and the behaviors to which they point you is a powerful way to ward off shame, build confidence, and acknowledge God’s plan for your life. Desires are important inputs for our internal compass, forever guiding us toward God’s intention for our lives. List out separately the ways in which your desires could lead you to both healthy or unhealthy behaviors.  Consider what role these desires have on your behaviors and what role they should have. 

Thoroughly Express Your Personality

As our desires begin to serve as our internal, emotional, ethical, relational, and spiritual compass pointing back to who God has created us to be, we will engender an unfiltered authenticity. In doing so, we are liberated to not only express who we are, but we are also able to live out our authentic expression of God’s craftsmanship. Our gifts begin to shine! Ilia Delio puts it best in her seminal work, Simply Bonaventure:

“The true nature of the human person… is not an isolated spirit but a body-soul relationship, the perfect union of which reflects the power, wisdom, and goodness of God.”

When we embrace not only what we desire, but we allow the combination of our desires and behaviors to live spontaneously do we express the sovereignty of God. For this very reason, I like to call a spontaneous expression of our personalities–or authenticity–spiritual honesty. Reflect upon your heart’s desires and their impact on what makes you uniquely made.  Are these gifts somehow withheld by insecurity or self-doubt? If so, how would they influence your self-confidence or ability to love God and others?

Remain open to another’s mirroring 

The courage of my cousin who is blind compelled me to venture into parts of the world to which I would otherwise balk. Her courage is inspiring. My mother with Parkinson’s disease motivates me to care for myself without wondering how others interpret who I am. And my cousins who did not graduate high school teach me that life’s satisfaction has little to do with college degrees, but more with values and presence. 

Those who are commonly seen as ‘less honorable,’ harness characteristics and experiences that should be honored, because—in their challenges—they allow us to see God’s brilliance. All this to say, don’t forget that in your diverse positions, you have something beautiful that might teach me something about resilience, joy, and God. 

Self-acceptance isn’t just about coming out of the closet. Self-acceptance is about allowing yourself to be spiritually honest so that God’s brilliance can shine through your desires and your gifts. Consider others you have learned from and how their differences, seeming disabilities, or “otherness” show unique aspects of God.