How-To: Stand Up for LGBTQ+ Folks in Your Family
Each of QCF’s Affirmation & Relational Guides features practical steps and information that can be used for individual growth, the pursuit of relational justice, and sustainable community-building.
Today, we’re highlighting a chapter from our Relational Guide for Allies featuring Amy Hayes. This resource provides actionable steps aspiring allies can take in support of their LGBTQ+ neighbors. Excerpted from the section entitled How do I Stand up for LGBTQ+ People in my Family, we want to invite the parents and family members of LGBTQ+ people to reflect on their allyship in the context of their family—immediate and extended.
What does it mean to support your LGBTQ+ child or sibling? Does your family member know you affirm them? Keep reading for more!
Ah, family gatherings. At their best, these reunions deepen bonds and foster healing connections, reviving us with love. But for many of us, the family dinner table hosts as much fighting as feasting, especially when it comes to conflicting convictions regarding sex, sexuality, orientation, and gender. Oftentimes, we face the most severe consequences when we practice allyship in non-affirming family contexts. Otherwise lovely relatives deploy threats of censure and disconnection to shame us into silently upholding the homophobic and transphobic status quo. Or the opposition may manifest more subtly. In any case, we must strengthen our tolerance for experiencing the discomfort inherent in allyship. Here are a few ways to create safer family environments:
Communicate your affirmation.
If you have an LGBTQ+ person in your immediate or extended family, be sure this person is aware of your support. This is especially important if your family is Christian, given how the modern church has persecuted sexual and gender minorities. Otherwise, your family members may presume you hold a “traditional” view on these matters. Pro-tip: Don’t wait for a relative to come out to voice support for LGBTQ+ lives.
Be intentional.
The first time my sister Rosemary brought Ginger to a church function early on in their relationship, my mother was tempted to introduce Ginger as Rosemary’s friend. While I understood and even resonated with my mother’s desire to avoid discomfort, I pointed out that such mislabeling would ultimately dishonor and shame Rosemary and Ginger.
If your queer loved one is in a relationship, use the titles and terms they use to describe their beloved. And encourage other family members to do the same. If your queer loved one is unattached but interested in dating, honor their identities and orientation.
Normalize grief.
Cisgender heterosexuality is more than an orientation. It’s a story. Boy meets girl, falls in love, and has children. And vice versa. When this deeply embedded narrative gets disrupted by a loved one’s coming out, we often need to grieve. But according to researcher Brené Brown, we humans will do just about anything to avoid feeling the rushing void and loss of control that grief brings. Keep this in mind as you witness family members ward off grief through anger, indifference, and controlling behaviors—you’ll have more compassion. If appropriate, tenderly invite family members to embrace their grief. For example, a mother may need to grieve the loss of a future daughter-inlaw after her son comes out as gay. Or a daughter may find herself struggling to reconcile news of 30 a parent’s transition with how she’d always perceived their relationship—Have I misunderstood my parent my whole life? Does this mean I never even really knew them?
Make no mistake: grief doesn’t signal failure or moral judgment. It’s just a natural response to change. Allyship looks like creating a safe, brave space for willing family members to face and integrate their grief. The only way out is through.
“We must strengthen our tolerance for experiencing the discomfort inherent in allyship.”
Set boundaries when necessary.
Exposure to intentional, overt homophobia and transphobia is deadly for queer people. In light of that reality, consider what limits or rules you may need to implement in order to protect LGBTQ+ people from family members who refuse to show basic human consideration. Perhaps that might mean disinviting certain relatives from events in your home. Or, if you are attending an event where your queer loved ones feel uncomfortable or unsafe, offer to leave early with them. But whatever you do, clearly communicate the boundary without malice, explaining exactly what is permissible and what is not. Allyship speaks the truth in love.
Find support.
Navigating family dynamics can be particularly difficult for parents of queer youth, even when those youth are well-established adults!
Visit our Parents page to check out QCF’s Relational Guide for Parents of Newly Out LGBTQ+ People, Weekly Drop-In Group, Parent & Family Summit, and additional resources for more specific help.
Don’t forget to celebrate.
Anniversaries of relationships, name changes, confirmation surgeries(1), and coming-outs are all opportune times to demonstrate that allyship is as at least as much about sheer delight as it is advocacy.
Nothing communicates unfettered acceptance quite like joy.
Next Steps
For more on allyship and how you can support your LGBTQ+ siblings, download our free Relational Guide for Allies featuring Amy Hayes.
If you’re the parent or family member of an LGBTQ+ person, we have community and resources available for you! Visit the link below to learn more and get plugged in.
Footnotes:
Merriam-Webster’s definition: any of several surgical procedures that a transgender person may choose to under go in order to obtain the physical characteristics that match their gender identity.
